I spent the first 13 years of my life in Scotland and moved to Canada in 2002. Now, fast forward 19 years, I'm a new student, product manager by profession, yogi, plant mum, Toronto resident, cyclist, empath and sensitive human with a passion to help people.

It’s always important to explore the past and all of its parts before we’re able and equipped to look into the future with confidence.

I’m tearing up just thinking about my journey, because it’s taken a lot of hard work over the past 1 1/2 years. Going deep within, reliving traumas, reflecting on relationships, assessing my career, finding my voice, building confidence, questioning who I am as an individual and having uncomfortable conversations with people who listen and allow me to feel all the emotions without any judgement.

"Happiness extends, then, just so far as contemplation does, and those to whom contemplation more fully belongs are more truly happy." - Aristotle

CONSCIOUSNESS

March 14, 2020 The day I woke up. My partner (S), sister (F) and her partner (M) and I were headed to a cabin not far from Toronto to spend time together before F and M departed for Berlin to start a new chapter. It was a very surreal feeling driving out of the city on a Friday (the 13th) with little to no traffic. This was the day many companies in Ontario announced the work from home mandate due to the global Covid-19 pandemic. During our drive, I recall M pulling up a live map of Covid-19 cases to understand the severity of what we were about to experience. It was only just beginning. Impending and unknown changes to our current lifestyle with an undefined timeline.

We arrived at the cabin in record time and were warmly welcomed by our host (H). S and H immediately hit it off because of their Latin American connection. We got settled after H gave us a very detailed tour of the cabin. I’d expect nothing less from an architect, home inspector and realtor. It was everything we needed; a wood burning fire, comfy living spaces, blankets galore, minimal kitchen and surrounded by nature. A little bit of welcomed peace in this unpredictable world.

Friday was an evening of fireside drinks, eats and insightful conversations.

Saturday, we planned to consume magic mushrooms. F had been doing some research about the psychological applications and benefits of psilocybin as well as how to plan for a safe trip. This was my first time consuming magic mushrooms outside of a social setting. F instructed us to go on this trip as individuals knowing we could always come back together when ready to reintegrate with the group by the warmth of the fire.

This experience allowed me to suppress my conditioned mind and start thinking more clearly. To go deeper than I thought possible. By removing biases, inherited opinions and preconceived notions. I started to see and feel things for what they were. My mind was wide open.

I had many realizations that day, but the one that ignited my inner fire was, during a conversation with S, I was compelled to tell him that I didn’t feel like I fit in this world. In previous relationships, in current and past jobs, in the life I was leading. After tears, warm hugs and a much needed deep connection with S, I started to feel that it was acceptable to want to chart my own path.

Why was I trying to conform to the current societal norms if it wasn’t making me happy, well, because this is what I was taught growing up and even into adulthood. I was conditioned to think that I needed certain things in my life in order to be happy. Money + success = happiness, right? If this were true, then why wasn’t I happy. I was now making enough money to live without worry and indulge in all the things that I thought would make me happy. I had thoughts of “why can’t I just be content with what I have”, feelings of ungratefulness, hopelessness and sadness. I felt that there must be more to life, but had no idea if this were true and how to validate this thought.

LOSS

As the year progressed I continued to write down feelings that I had been suppressing. Many of them related to the passing of my Dad.

As a child, I stuck close to my Dad, my protector. A man of many titles; electrician, entrepreneur, home builder, project manager, guitar player, table tennis champ, quality control manager, gardener, inventor, handyman, photographer, dance partner, guinea pig hutch builder and homework helper.

I always wanted to be around him. A trip to PCWorld in Glasgow on a Saturday morning, count me in! It was never a dull trip; laughing, telling stories, listening to music and on one occasion losing the car's rear shock absorbers and laughing uncontrollably as we bounced all the way home. I trusted him like nobody else. Always there to help me out of some sticky situations followed by some words of wisdom and a good laugh.

When you lose someone, they may be physically gone, but they leave behind so many invaluable insights into life. I finally spent the time thinking about his life journey so that I could learn from his successes and failures and take time to reflect on what a wonderful human he was.

FRIENDSHIP

I wasn’t alone in this self-healing journey, my best friend (SAM) was right there with me. She started her journey ahead of me and is a huge source of inspiration for me to continuously work on being the best version of myself. Our friendship is that of two souls connecting on a deep level. One that you cherish because you know there is never any judgement and always the best intentions. An unbreakable bond that is formed because of experiences we shared and torment we endured together.

GLOBAL PANDEMIC

I took the Covid-19 pandemic as a sign and great opportunity to pause, contemplate and reflect on my past, digging deep, so that I could take meaningful action that hopefully would lead me closer to my path. The first thing I needed to do was get out of my current job; it was unfulfilling, unhealthy for me and my relationship with S, my manager was lost in his own unhappiness, the company culture did not support me in the ways I wanted to grow and most importantly I couldn’t be my authentic self.

When possible, SAM and I would meet in our favourite park, peaceful and familiar so we had the space to share. We were both digging through our pasts so we could finally move on from them. No topic was off limits and all emotions were and always are welcome. I would leave feeling uplifted even if it had been a tough conversation, because the hardest part is talking about it.

IDENTITY

SAM and I became the best of friends in Grade 10, in a place where neither of us felt like we fit. We were bullied for being different. I spoke with a Scottish accent and our sexual orientation was in question. I shut down my authentic self and completely lost my voice. All I wanted was to fit in and I went about it in all the wrong ways. Dating guys who were not good for me, drinking, parties, lying to my parents, getting suspended. A rebel without a cause.

I had a hard time learning because I hated my environment and the person I had become. Creative classes were my safe space because they came more naturally to me. With all the bottled up emotions inside of me, it's no wonder I couldn't focus on physics or mathematics. SAM and I needed each other during this strange time. A time when we were trying to discover ourselves, all the while, being told that being ourselves wasn’t acceptable.

The identity I wanted was not accepted and my response to it was to conform to what people expected, rather than exploring a different path. I was a version of myself that I didn't want to be but I wasn't confident enough to fight back. I didn't share my bullying experiences with anyone at the time. I just struggled through it.

We struggle through hard times because it feels easier than talking about it. We conform to fit in, even when it doesn’t allow us to be our authentic self. If we practice something enough it starts to feel “normal”. This is a sure path to unhappiness and losing your true sense of self.

GROWTH

August 2020 I wrote in my journal that I could feel a change coming and started to pursue it. A month later I found and accepted a job opportunity that had me very excited. I was entering a start-up, where I would be reporting into a strong female leader. Joy! The company culture and people allowed me to be my authentic self, they trusted in my abilities and I was leading a product that aligned with my interests.

Company cultures shape us in ways we don’t even realise and if you don’t feel like you fit, then it can be detrimental to stay. You start losing your sense of self, confidence levels decrease and doing your best work can be a struggle. We should not settle for mediocrity when we have the choice and ability to be exceptional.

February 2021 S and I became homeowners. We weren't sure if it was going to happen after seeing around twenty houses that just didn't feel right. In a market full of bidding wars and bully offers, we felt a bit beaten down but we persisted and immediately knew this was the one when we stepped in. With only 30 minutes to make our decision, H bullied the bully offer and later that night our offer was accepted. Along with the offer, I included a note to the seller because I fell in love with the house the moment I saw the woodburning fire and piano. Two common elements of my childhood home.

It was a proud moment for both of us. We were moving out of downtown Toronto to the east end. Surrounded by mature trees, a 10-minute bike to the beach and plenty of room for both of us. We were excited to finally be in a space that we could make our own. Adding a house and a large amount of debt into our lives was not going to make us happier but it's what we both wanted and a challenge we accepted.

March 2021 I wrote in my journal,
“My happiness journey has just begun.”
“Take care of yourself, your family and friends.”
“Keeping things simple helps you conserve your energy. We don’t need all the things that distract us from facing our fears and finding true happiness.”
“You can force yourself to be content or you can push yourself to do great things.”

CAREER

I was feeling happier in my career, but still felt like I was missing purpose. Another change was on the horizon, but this time it was a forced change. The start-up I was working in was being acquired with the outcome unknown for the people within. I had told myself I would stay until the end regardless of the outcome. It was the end of a short but uplifting chapter in my career which had given me a new sense of hope that what I was looking for was out there.

August 2021 I was officially unemployed. I spent time reflecting on past jobs to be very clear in my mind of what is most important to me in a future role and company. A pretty easy and quick exercise for me. Leadership, culture, work-life balance, interesting product, growth opportunities. Now it was time to have a bit of fun because summer would be over soon. Weekday bike rides to the empty beach, meeting up with fellow unemployed and self-employed pals, finally tackling some home projects, journalling and gardening. It was time to hit pause and spend time with my family.

FAMILY

From San Francisco, Berlin, Durham and Toronto, we were back together for a week. A week of interesting discussions, checking in on each other, a beautiful hike, a day at the beach and enjoying homemade meals together. We were all present.

As the week came to a close I felt a sense of emptiness, which was enlightening. I let that feeling sit with me until I could unpack it. As we will start to discuss in future blogs, feeling all the feels and reflecting on them is a powerful tool.

F and I went on a bike ride before she and M flew back to Berlin. It was a windy day, so our voices were raised but we were moving and talking about wanting to learn something new and meaningful. I had been looking into going back to school for Psychology. A minimum 3-year commitment and only a few online learning options through the typical university route. F told me a story of her friend going back to university to learn a new skill but was disappointed with the teaching quality and course content. She ended up dropping out and going the self-taught route. This story stayed with me because I’ve always struggled to learn when theory is the only factor in learning something new.

PASSION

For people who know me well, I am constantly writing down business ideas with the hopes that one will inspire me enough to push it forward. A trait inherited from my Dad. On September 21, 2021, it wasn't so much an idea, but a passion. I wrote, “I want to help people…” multiple times, in different sentences. The empath in me was rising up. I was getting closer.

October 4, 2021 I had set out my to-do list the night before which is always flexible enough that I can shift things around. One task on this list was to write or learn something for 1-2 hours.

That morning I chose to listen to two different podcasts on the topic of Happiness. The second was an episode of The Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman and Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar where they discussed The Science of Happiness.

They spoke of the foundation of happiness being that of first allowing in unhappiness. By embracing painful emotions and hardships we open ourselves up to more happiness. Happiness being a continuum that ends when life ends. I felt true alignment since I had myself been going deep within, reflecting on feelings and reconnecting with my true self.

To conclude the episode Tal talked about a Happiness Studies course he had created and was now teaching online. I immediately reviewed the course details, signed up for a webinar that Tal was leading on resilience later that afternoon and by the end of the day I had signed up for the year long course which was starting the following day. I had never felt more confident in a decision.

PARTNERSHIP

S, my partner, cheerleader, ear to listen, dance partner, shoulder to cry on and voice of reason. A relationship that has morphed over time and endured the ups and downs because we don't shy away from uncomfortable conversations and give each other the space and time to reflect on how we can be better for ourselves and each other.

I ran upstairs to tell S of the good news. Talking a million miles a minute, smiling from ear to ear and spinning in a circle. S looked at me in bewilderment, trying to piece together what had just happened on this unusually eventful Monday.

It was an indescribable feeling.

"Happiness is not a state that finds us as we passively await it, but rather we need to actively pursue it. Happiness requires effort and exertion." - Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar