While we can’t change our past experiences or take back hurtful actions toward others, we have the choice to overcome and become a better and stronger version of ourselves.

One of the most important things we can do is to check in with how we’re feeling on a regular basis so we start to understand who we are on a much deeper level. It’s insightful to assess the parts that make up our internal whole using the SPIRE elements (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Relational, Emotional).

The pursuit of interior wellbeing needs to be coupled with understanding what other contributing factors make up our wholebeing.

"The need to matter is about feeling valued and adding value." - Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky -

Prilleltensky’s research tells us that we also need to feel that we matter in order to be happy. Mattering is supported by feeling valued and by adding value through community, work, relationships and oneself. He discusses when we feel valued we are appreciated, recognized, respected and feel like we belong. When we add value we are able to make a contribution or make a difference through self-determination, mastery, competence, freedom or autonomy.

FEELING VALUED

Prilleltensky outlines the three pillars of feeling valued are the need to survive, desire to belong and dignity.

SURVIVAL

As children, survival needs are met by our parents (or caregivers). The quality of this attachment leads to certain life outcomes. Depending on parental emotional availability, children develop secure, avoidant, or anxious attachment styles that are going to have a lasting impact throughout their life (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Bowlby, 1969, 1973). To develop a healthy child, the caregiver must be able to provide a secure foundation for easing anxieties and building an authentic sense of continuity, coherence, meaning, connectedness and autonomy (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2012, p. 291). People who have felt insecure attachment growing up can lead to harbouring self-doubt related to their self-worth and self-efficacy. These individuals are also more susceptible to rejection, criticism and destructive perfectionism (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007).

The resentment I held toward my Mum was related to feeling insecure attachment growing up. I don’t want this to be seen as blame being put on an individual because I know and understand that the actions taken by another person can be due to their own learned behaviours, traumas and pain which are then passed to the next generation. I know my Mum is hurting from her own experiences and that's one of the reasons I'm going on this journey. I want to guide her to a better place. We can't go on pretending that our parents (caregivers) and childhoods were perfect, because then we are hurting ourselves. We have to stop the hurt by dealing with the pain.

BELONGING

Feeling the need to belong is both a protective mechanism and also provides the opportunity to flourish. On the opposite end of the spectrum, exclusion (rejected, ignored, bullied) leads to feelings of anxiety, depression, grief, jealousy and loneliness. I can attest to feeling many of these during the years I was bullied and into early adulthood. Not dealing with these experiences and associated feelings can also extend to negative physical consequences such as depression, unhappiness and ill health.

Psychologists Baumeister and Leary (1995) called the need to belong and the desire for interpersonal attachments a “fundamental human motivation.” They suggest that “belongingness can be almost as compelling a need as food” (p. 498).

DIGNITY

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines dignity as “the quality or state of being worthy, honoured, or esteemed.” Feeling that we are being recognized, included and respected for who we are or what we know provides us with dignity.

To feel worthy, we have to feel that we are equal to others, and that we deserve to be treated with respect. We have to experience fairness in relationships, at work, and in society. We cannot experience dignity without fairness (Gollwitzer & van Prooijen, 2016; Miller, 2001; Payne, 2017). As humans, we know immediately when someone makes us feel valued or when someone is disrespectful. We also know what fairness is starting from a child and calling out when something isn't fair.

I grew up watching my Dad fight for fairness. He treated everyone as equals, stopping to talk to the homeless just like he would with one of my friends. He wanted to know people’s stories no matter who they were. I also recall Dad and I stopping to pick up a hitchhiker one afternoon on our drive home. It was just him and I in the car, so the man sat in the back and as usual Dad sparked up a great conversation. He taught me what it means to treat people as equals and got himself into trouble now and again, by arguing in the name of fairness. While I didn't quite understand it as a child, I couldn't be more aligned with it now. The seed flourished!

I had very low self-esteem as a young adult and it started feeling normal. I recall verbalizing to friends that I didn't feel that I was good enough to be in certain loving relationships. When you don't know yourself, it's hard to feel confident and even harder to be in a relationship.

To feel fully human and to matter, we need skills and opportunities to add value to ourselves and others. - Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky -

ADDING VALUE

Having a voice is crucial in judging the fairness of a situation (Gollwitzer & van Prooijen, 2016). Prilleltensky adds, we need voice and visibility to add value. Three well-established psychological theories attest to the universal need to add value: self-determination, self-efficacy, and meaning in life.

According to Ryan and Deci (2017), the psychologists who developed self-determination theory, we thrive when we experience autonomy, competence, and high-quality relationships. We need to be able to determine a course of action that is free from psychological or physical coercion and need to feel autonomy over our decisions and actions.

I am grateful that my parents trusted in me to make my own decisions. Sharing their opinions and advice, but never prescribing a certain action or path. We can't know what's best for another, because we are all different.

"Remember what I have told you about boys!" - Email from Dad, July 4, 2005 -

TO MATTER

Mattering in the absence of fairness can quickly degenerate into a type of narcissistic culture, which is all too prevalent today, with many celebrities and social media influencers mattering too much and taking up too much space.

This is very much in line with a “me culture” where I have the right to feel valued so I can be happy, versus a “we culture” where we all have the right to feel valued and add value so we can all experience happiness and fairness. In a “me culture” or individualistic culture we care more about our individual rights and freedoms and less about the collective wellbeing. A recent example of individualistic behaviour that hurt the collective society was people refusing to wear masks and choosing not to be vaccinated against a highly contagious and in many cases deadly virus. These individuals care more about their individual rights and freedoms than they do of the collective whole. We see similar behaviours in certain organizations where people are fighting for what’s best for themselves with complete disregard for how their individual actions negatively impact others' wellbeing.

"The life of the (wo)man who is active in accordance with virtue will be happy." - Aristotle

Globally, 85 percent of workers are either not engaged or actively disengaged at work (Gallup, 2017). To improve employee engagement organizational cultures need to make employees feel valued and enable them to make meaningful contributions.

In one particular job, I had a manager who had an inflated ego, loved to talk about his MBA merits, didn’t like when I challenged him, rarely listened to what I had to say, didn’t trust in my abilities, had no idea what I was actually doing and made ego-based decisions which I often highly and openly disagreed with. During one meeting in particular I was asked by our leader how I felt the relationship with a particular vendor was going. I was deep in the weeds with this vendor and they were struggling to deliver a quality product; continuously missing deadlines, sharing features that were full of bugs and falling short on meeting our needs. I spoke the truth and told him I had quite a few concerns which I proceeded to list. After the meeting my manager asked for me to stay behind and reprimanded me for speaking negatively about the vendor. I told him, I would continue to speak the truth because I’m the person who has to deal with the day-to-day vendor relationship, issues and ultimately final product. Let’s just say he was not happy with my response. His values were misaligned with mine, his ego was overblown and he wanted to pretend things were going well for the sake of his image. I wasn’t going to conform. While there were other contributing factors to resigning from this company, the feeling of being undervalued was one I needed to eliminate for the sake of my wellbeing.

Healthy relationships, workplaces and environments allow us to be our authentic self, support personal choices, encourage growth and show love and affection.

Last week I had three discovery interviews with recruiters who had reached out with opportunities. They were all very valuable conversations and it was an opportunity for me to practice asking for what I (truly) wanted. An interview is as much about the interviewee evaluating the company, people, culture and leadership as it is about the interviewer understanding your skills and if you’re the right fit. You are entering into a contract with this company so it has to feel like a good thing for both parties involved.

I've lost career opportunities because I asked for things (like transparent leadership) that the organization knew they couldn't provide. Moments of rejection might sting but are blessings in disguise. Don't force yourself to fit.

This week I had multiple second interviews scheduled. My mind was busy with thoughts related to the interviews but all I wanted to do was focus on learning and writing. I had been flip-flopping back and forth all week; should I take on a new career opportunity (aka money) and do the course on the side or should I take my time learning and give myself more space to think. The latter won because my gut said so and S supported my decision.

We’re programmed to believe that wealth and career success will bring about happiness. People spend endless amounts of time and effort chasing these and even if they do reach their goals they don't find happiness. There is an abundance of research done that demonstrates that achieving success, no matter how much we are committed to it, does not lead to long term well-being. Sonja Lyubomisky, Laura King and Ed Diener in their article "The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success", show how happiness leads to higher income, better performance, better mental and physical health.

The decision to turn down career opportunities brought on many feelings of self-doubt because of the new and unfamiliar path that I’m on and not knowing where I’m headed. The self-doubt rises up when my confidence lowers; it’s a feeling that can stop us from moving forward, which may be the right choice, but it can also stop us from doing something that is actually good for us. I talked the feeling through while on a walk with S and although I felt better because he supports my new path, there was still some work I needed to do to release and control this doubt.

Our weekend plans changed last minute, so instead of having a weekend with friends, we now had the opportunity to slow down. We gently awoke on Saturday morning, getting one last warm cuddle in before slipping out of bed and starting our plan-free day. I headed downstairs, opened the kitchen blinds and noticed the church across the street had some stalls set up outside. I was curious and suggested to S that we head over to check it out. We made our usual caffeinated beverages and walked over to the church. S saw a sign for meat pies and I was hoping for a sweet snack. We left with two cat toys (gift) and some mini muffins. As we were leaving, I noticed the local vintage store was open and it appeared they were having a very random sale. Outside the store, there was a worn velvet armchair for $10. I looked at S and back at the chair to get an initial reaction. Our basement was missing a comfy reading chair and this one was readily available with an extremely low price tag. All-in, with the mini muffins, cat toys and armchair we spent $18.

The weather forecast was calling for rain all day, which was a perfect excuse to light the fire. I had been waiting for this day since we bought the house back in February. The paper was rolled tightly (hearing my Dad’s voice on paper scrunching techniques), kindling at the ready, a little bit of dryer lint to get the party started and patience.

S put forth the wonderful idea of making our basement into a wellness space. A comforting, warm and serene environment where you can feel at ease. Coming back to the present moment I was most excited to have the warmth of the fire, easing out tight muscles and tickling our toes while engaging in some deep yoga stretches. We unrolled our mats, hit play on our favourite yoga playlist, dimmed the lights and began our release.

The yoga class was focused on hip stretches which can be intense physically and emotionally because many of us sit for long periods of time and we also store a lot of emotions in our hips. The one great thing about virtual yoga, is you can pause at any time. Choosing to hold a pose for longer because it feels so good. Now it was time for the emotional release. I felt a very deep connection during the body scan meditation where we were guided up a mountain; a mountain of doubt for me. It felt like I was actually climbing this mountain. I cried all the way up the mountain but when I got to the top it was an unbelievable feeling. The doubt had passed. I opened my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks, filling up my ears because of my reclined position. A sense of ease washed over me. When we slow down and are fully present we can think more clearly. What’s an activity that you already have built into your routine that allows you to be fully present?

At-home wellness afternoon

Setup

• Yoga mat
• Yoga blocks, or books
• Blanket
• Notebook
• Candles (optional)
• Music (optional) recommended playlist

Activity

1. Hip-release yoga class
2. Body scan meditation
3. Journal for at least 10 minutes, reflecting on any emotions that came up during yoga or meditation

Songs of my week

If I’m Insecure - James Blake
Addicted Youth - Hemlock Ernst, Kenny Segal
Evan Finds the Third Room - Khruangbin

Movies

You Can’t Take it With You, by Frank Capra, 1938
Pollyanna, by David Swift, 1960

Related information

Article: Mattering at the Intersection of Psychology, Philosophy, and Politics by Isaac Prilleltensky
Book: The Teaching of Buddha - Bukkyo Dendo
Tool: Wheel of feelings

References

Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Baumeister, R., & Leary, M. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation (p. 498). Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497–529.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol 1. Attachment. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss: Vol 2. Separation: Anxiety and anger. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Gollwitzer, M., & van Prooijen, J. (2016). Psychology of justice. In C. Sabbagh & M. Schmitt (Eds.), Handbook of social justice theory and research (pp. 61–82). New York, NY: Springer.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York, NY: Guilford.

Miller, D. T. (2001). Disrespect and the experience of injustice. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 527–553.

Payne, K. (2017). The broken ladder: How inequality affects the way we think, live, and die. New York, NY: Penguin.

Shaver, P., & Mikulincer, M. (2012). An attachment perspective on coping with existential concerns. In P. Shaver & M. Mikulincer (Eds.), Meaning, mortality, and choice: The social psychology of existential concerns (pp. 291–307, quotes from p. 291). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

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See you soon, for more on this exciting, uncomfortable, emotional and valuable journey 🥰.

If you have any feedback/questions about the content or would like to share something about your own journey, I'd love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading!